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As I am sure you are all painfully aware, Parris will be leaving
the show at the end of this season; while this saddens us deeply at the
network, we also see this as an opportunity to recast the role of "PaulC's
sidekick" and possibly pick up a new demographic.
When we first brought Parris on, the network execs were
concerned that his tattoos and white trash comments might hurt the shows
"house mom" demographic, knowing that PaulC had an exceptionally
tight grip on women 35-55, they brought Parris on in hopes that he would play
well with males 18-34. And man did he play well.
The network wanted to terminate Parris after the third episode
titled
"NNaaww, but that bug cost us $500,000"
but the advertisers convinced them to keep him on until
the end of the first season. What nobody could have possibly predicted was that
Parris would be such a huge hit in the GBLT community. His tattoos, heavy
drinking, questionable recreational drug use and involvement in homeless
Republican midget knife fighting gave him the "bad boy" moniker,
while his left leaning politics, infatuation with Twilight, love of cats, and
Smart Car, made him an instant hit with gay men. As you are surely aware, the
internet forums are on fire with news and photos every time Parris goes to
Provincetown with his "wife". A recent Gallop poll indicates that
every Gay Latino on the planet (every. single. one.) wants to take Parris home
to meet his parents; Parris is a macho, "man’s man", but knows how to
treat a man. What father wouldn't be proud of his son for landing Parris?
So if you, or someone that you know (but don't particularly
respect) is interested, we are now making casting call appointments for PaulC's
new sidekick (possibly henchman). Note that we are not necessarily trying
to replace Parris's personality, but we would like to try to keep viewers that
Parris brought to the show.
Things to think about:
* If you were going to Provincetown for a long weekend, and the
hotel brochure said that this was "Bear weekend" and that the pool
would turn into a "veritable Bear stew", would you cancel your
reservations, or make sure that you have an extra battery for your camera?
* Do you even get the above reference?
* Is Bruce Jenner just "the dood from the Kardasians"?
* Is the absolute value of the sum of a series of numbers equal to
the sum of the absolute values?
* Do you think that its "ok" to make lewd comments about
PaulC's 23 year old daughter?
* Regarding the above point, do you think that its "ok"
for PaulC to meet you in the parking lot and kick the living shit out of you?
* If you lose a bet, do you do the honorable thing and
"take your medicine" or do you try to worm out of it? (Just to
be clear, Parris never tried to welsh on a bet.)
* Do you think that it’s funny to make bets that will, either
directly or indirectly, make people do silly/absurd/possibly dangerous things?
Examples include, but are not limited to: Take shots of random liquids at bars,
sponsor a Wendy's $1 value meal menu challenge, make bets where the loser has
to eat a 2 year old ham, bet that a person can’t eat 1/4 of
three separate birthday cakes in 10 minutes, etc.
* In the sidekick (or possibly "henchman") role, are you
ok with the leading man making clear, undeniable commitments, and then blowing
them off, repeatedly?
* Do you have a REALLY creepy smile that you can flash at
will?
* Do you consider Reddit a respectable news source that you read
for hours every day?
* Do you enjoy sending NSFW links to co-workers during business
hours?
* Does putting habanero oil on the rim of a coworkers
coffee cup make you giggle?
* Do you own a "mind molester"?
* Do you think that trying to game/troll the internet via bogus
Yelp reviews, Reddit, etc, is fun?
* How are your banana handling skills?
* On "American Dad" one of Rogers alter egos is an 80
year old woman named "Abigail Lemonparty". Did that make you laugh?
* Do you have a tag line? (other than "I'll slap a ho",
that was Parris's and we can’t re-use it for both legal and ethical reasons)
* How do you feel about swimming in tighty-whities?
* Do you think that torturing your workmates by manipulating
SVN to such a degree that it could actually harm the company is
"funny"?
* Really, how uncomfortable does this email make you?
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