Friday, May 10, 2013

Parris, we hardly knew ye...

Parris used to work with me, when he left, I sent this email mourning his imminent departure. This was several months ago, but somebody just reminded me of it, so  I thought that I would post it here. This is the unedited email that sent, typos and all.

As I am sure you are all painfully aware, Parris will be leaving the show at the end of this season; while this saddens us deeply at the network, we also see this as an opportunity to recast the role of "PaulC's sidekick" and possibly pick up a new demographic.

When we first brought Parris on, the network execs were  concerned that his tattoos and white trash comments might hurt the shows "house mom" demographic, knowing that PaulC had an exceptionally tight grip on women 35-55, they brought Parris on in hopes that he would play well with males 18-34. And man did he play well. 

The network wanted to terminate Parris after the third episode titled
"NNaaww, but that bug cost us $500,000"
but the advertisers convinced them to keep him on until the end of the first season. What nobody could have possibly predicted was that Parris would be such a huge hit in the GBLT community. His tattoos, heavy drinking, questionable recreational drug use and involvement in homeless Republican midget knife fighting gave him the "bad boy" moniker, while his left leaning politics, infatuation with Twilight, love of cats, and Smart Car, made him an instant hit with gay men. As you are surely aware, the internet forums are on fire with news and photos every time Parris goes to Provincetown with his "wife". A recent Gallop poll indicates that every Gay Latino on the planet (every. single. one.) wants to take Parris home to meet his parents; Parris is a macho, "man’s man", but knows how to treat a man. What father wouldn't be proud of his son for landing Parris?

So  if you, or someone that you know (but don't particularly respect) is interested, we are now making casting call appointments for PaulC's new sidekick (possibly henchman). Note that we are not necessarily trying to replace Parris's personality, but we would like to try to keep viewers that Parris brought to the show. 
Things to  think about:
* If you were going to Provincetown for a long weekend, and the hotel brochure said that this was "Bear weekend" and that the pool would turn into a "veritable Bear stew", would you cancel your reservations, or make sure that you have an extra battery for your camera?
* Do you even get the above reference?
* Is Bruce Jenner just "the dood from the Kardasians"?
* Is the absolute value of the sum of a series of numbers equal to the sum of the absolute values? 
* Do you think that its "ok" to make lewd comments about PaulC's 23 year old daughter?
* Regarding the above point, do you think that its "ok" for PaulC to meet you in the parking lot and kick the living shit out of you?
* If you lose a bet, do you do  the honorable thing and "take your medicine" or do you try to worm out  of it? (Just to be  clear, Parris never  tried to welsh on a bet.)
* Do you think that it’s funny to make bets that will, either directly or indirectly, make people do silly/absurd/possibly dangerous things? Examples include, but are not limited to: Take shots of random liquids at bars, sponsor a Wendy's $1 value meal menu challenge, make bets where the loser has to eat a 2 year old ham, bet that a person can’t eat 1/4 of three separate birthday cakes in 10 minutes, etc.  
* In the sidekick (or possibly "henchman") role, are you ok with the leading man making clear, undeniable commitments, and then blowing them off, repeatedly? 
* Do you have a REALLY creepy smile that you can flash at will?
* Do you consider Reddit a respectable news source that you read for hours every  day?
* Do you enjoy sending NSFW links to co-workers during business hours?
* Does putting habanero oil on the rim  of a  coworkers coffee cup make you giggle?
* Do you own a "mind molester"?
* Do you think that trying to game/troll the internet via bogus Yelp reviews, Reddit, etc, is fun?
* How are your banana handling skills?
* On "American Dad" one of Rogers alter egos is an 80 year old woman named "Abigail Lemonparty". Did that make you laugh?
* Do you have a tag line? (other than "I'll slap a ho", that was Parris's and we can’t re-use it for both legal and ethical reasons)
* How do you feel about swimming in tighty-whities?
* Do you think that torturing your workmates  by manipulating SVN to such a degree that it could actually  harm the company is "funny"?
* Really, how uncomfortable does this email make you?

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